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Maybe We Won't Have to Wait Until Saturday?

Thu, 24 May 2012 02:23:11 +0100

We scheduled my induction for Saturday. I'm still only 1 cm dilated and my swelling is very painful. It was a very difficult decision. I just don't want Baby Bear to grow too big to fit through my pelvis. We went over the pros and cons with the doctor, Mike was especially concerned with the risks. I understand the risks, and I am a little sad that I'm the one calling the end to my pregnancy. But I figured something like this would be needed. So I'm scheduled to check into Labor and Delivery at 5am on the 26th.

But this morning my discharge changed, and I'm thinking it could be my mucus plug. (I have no idea what I'm looking for! All I know is this is different than anything I've ever put out.) I asked two women I'm close to and they keep checking up on me, which I'm grateful for, but I feel bad now because I have nothing new to report. I'm not having contractions and Baby Bear is moving around plenty so it's still just waiting and waiting and waiting. I'd be a-ok with going into labor before the 26th but I just don't know if that's going to happen.

I know one of the big risks of induction is an increased need for a c-section. I'm actually still hoping for a vaginal birth, but not because I'm afraid of a c-section, although I think my OB thinks I am. I figure the doctor can see more of what's going on with a vaginal birth. I was born by c-section (albeit without a heartbeat) and there's been a lot of advances since then so I don't feel so concerned, and one more scar isn't going to change much for me. Not to mention I'm one of those wierdos that loves anatomy and medicine but just wasn't smart enough to make it a career choice. I told my husband, if for some reason I need a c-section, I want him to record it. I'd love to see that! I don't want to see my vaginal birth. There's plenty of videos online of that kind of thing, I've seen the stretching that goes on. I'd much rather document being cut open and my baby removed.

I guess a good way to look at the current situation is that by next week, we will have our baby. I am having trouble admitting to myself, much less anyone else, that I'm scared. I'm not scared of the process. I'm scared of the end result. If I don't end up with a living baby in my arms, I don't know what I'll do.

Fashionably Late

Tue, 22 May 2012 02:13:27 +0100

I am now past my due date(s). I feel nothing changing down there. Baby Bear is still moving around but there doesn't seem to be any exit strategy. Tomorrow we'll discuss induction at my OB appointment. I'm completely on the fence about it. I know it carries risks and part of me wants to just hurry up and have my baby in my arms but the other part tells me it's better to wait a little longer and enjoy still having the kicks and other movements all to myself before I have to share my baby with the rest of the world. I just don't know what to do. I was sitting in my arm chair watching tv and looking up pros and cons of induction on my laptop and I got super dizzy, I thought I might faint. So that might have some influence on the induction decision. The other thing is more superficial: I don't really want my baby born in June. Silly, but it's already going to be a Gemini, I'm just not crazy about June, especially since I was all ready for a May baby. I wanted the whole water breaking, timed contraction labor but it looks like my suspicions are going to come true. I figured that since my body didn't understand that Robin was no longer alive and didn't let her go naturally that it wouldn't know what to do with this baby when it was time for the pregnancy to end.

Sealed Up Tight

Thu, 17 May 2012 22:40:46 +0100

Still not dilated past a centimeter and last week I was 75% effaced and this week I'm 50%. Dr. Stone says it's likely we're going to go past the due date and we'll discuss how I feel about induction at next week's appointment. My cervical checks are still so painful! It's ridiculous, it's like my body is literally trying to close itself up. Makes me think an episiotomy is inevitable. So be it. I'm starting to get a little impatient, I really want Baby Bear on the outside, but at the same time I don't know when I'll ever get to experience this again. I'm being selfish, I'll admit that right off. I'm wondering if the baby will come next Tuesday, that's Mike's little brother's graduation and our pitbull's birthday (very important!). Or possibly on Sunday, since there's supposed to be some big eclipse or something and when things happen in our family, nature coincides. (When I lost Robin, a bunch of fish mysteriously died in Redondo beach while I was in the hospital and I apparently caused the tsunami in Japan shortly thereafter.) I'm growing impatient but I still remember that I promised I'd do whatever it takes to have a baby alive in my arms and if that means I have to go weeks past my due date or be induced or have a c-section, then that's what I'm willing to do.

It's a...

Sun, 06 May 2012 02:19:18 +0100

I've been giving it some thought (there's a shock, and no pun intended) but I just realized a greater argument for our calling our baby It. Obviously, there aren't too many other options when you aren't willing to divulge the sex with he or she, but what is the most common phrase on birth announcements?! "It's a boy!" or "It's a girl!" For heaven's sake, the It refers to the baby! So what on earth is the big deal? I hate coming up with these conclusions so much later than the moment they're needed. But it's something to keep in the arsenal at least.

Rude People

Tue, 22 May 2012 02:21:00 +0100

I'm so tired of people and their unwelcome comments. I must have more patience than I give myself credit for. What makes people, especially strangers feel that their opinions are welcome. I had to do some shopping at Vons today and the cashier felt the need to ask me when my due date was and I told her that if it were to come tomorrow, it wouldn't be early and if it comes two weeks from now, it wouldn't be late which is what I've taken to telling everyone who asks because it's true. I'm at the full term mark, but my due date isn't for another two weeks. Then she had to know if it was my first, and I told her no I lost my first, so this will be my first born. Then she had to tell me about her mom losing one and her sister losing triplets and twins and finally having another set of twins but only one made it to term but she was just happy to have a baby. Who is adequately prepared to respond to that? What is an appropriate response? I just mumbled something along the lines of it happening more often than people are aware. She made the remark that I was still carrying high up so I still had a ways to go. I just said we'll see and rushed to push my cart to the car. I thought I was prepared to deal with anyone now, I'm so fed up with people and that impatience has been growing over the last nine months. The only thing I can think of that kept me mellow was having dealt with that cashier before, and I'm already of the opinion that she's isn't all there upstairs. But it's not something that can be smiled and passed over easily like a true mental condition, I think hers is more like social awkwardness or maybe she's fried from drugs (it is Lake Elsinore, after all). So it's frustrating, but it's not something that I haven't gritted my teeth against before. I thought after reading this article on BabyCenter (http://www.babycenter.com/0_how-to-handle-rude-comments-from-strangers-during-pregnancy_10348593.bc) had me prepped to deal with intrusive people these last couple of weeks but apparently there are just somethings you can't be completely prepared for.

Dilation, Heartburn, Prepping

Fri, 27 Apr 2012 01:38:44 +0100

My appointment on Tuesday brought some exciting news: I'm less than 1cm dilated, but things are going forward! Things are really nearing the end. There's no effacement yet, but the cervix is forward. I got a prescription for Prilosec because my heartburn is literally keeping me awake at night. Three more weeks and we are at term. Mike keeps urging me to pack my bag for the hospital, but truth be told that makes me very nervous. I finally packed the diaper bag for the baby, but I'm still hesitant to pack my own bag. There's some part of my brain telling me that if I pack it, it's going to jinx something. Either I'm not going to need it, or the baby is going to come early. I've been in a push and pull with family about the baby coming early. They are all anxious for the birth, but I try to keep telling them that a preemie baby isn't a good thing! I'm nervous to see what next week's appointment will bring. I'm strongly hoping that there's not a significant change in dilation. Whatever is going to happen will happen, but I really want to make it the next couple of weeks without going into labor.

Induction

Sat, 21 Apr 2012 23:55:55 +0100

The idea hit me yesterday when I was laid up in bed (excruciating back and rib pain): I'm probably going to have to be induced. My body didn't recognize that Robin had died and it needed to let go. Why should we assume it's going to know how or when to release this baby? I had been worried that I wasn't going to recognize the beginning of labor, now I'm thinking that might not be a necessary fear. I'll just have to hang on a couple weeks past the due date until they decide it's time to make the baby move out. I just hope there's not a whole lot more growth. It's a superficial hope, I just don't want to see all the clothes we bought go unused. I've been doing a lot of complaining lately too, and I've been making a conscious effort to stop. It's like a subconscious need for humans to complain. But what do I really have to complain about? I said I'd put up with any discomfort and give up whatever needed to be given up in order to bring our baby into the world. So I shouldn't really complain. And if I am induced, maybe that will be better because I'll have more monitoring? I don't know, I'm trying to hold on to any positivity I can.

Cervical Exams Begin

Wed, 18 Apr 2012 06:52:11 +0100

I had my first cervix check today. I never would have thought "use it or lose it" would apply to a girl, but oh my stars was it PAINFUL. I also had the Strep B test and the swab felt like a broomstick going in. I haven't had sex at all this pregnancy so it feels like I just tightened up. It's awful. The cervix is still closed though and I guess still positioned higher up. Baby's not coming too soon. I'm going to start trying massage to see if I can make these appointments less painful. It's going to be weekly now and I'm afraid that if it keeps going this way, it's going to cause a serious tear come delivery.

I asked about my heartburn and the doctor said I can take Tums or Maalox to ease it or move up to something stronger if that doesn't work. I wish I had known that sooner, I wouldn't have spend so much time not sleeping. It got so bad at one point that when I rolled over during a nap, I threw up acid everywhere. My throat felt like I had swallowed a cheese grater. I think I'm going to start taking the Tums before bed whenever I have chocolate or any thing with spices for dinner. Those seem to be my worst offenders.

Update

Sun, 15 Apr 2012 08:12:14 +0100

I think my milk is coming in. I was doing a breast exam before my shower and at first I thought maybe my hands were wet from turning on the water, but when I switched to my other side, I got a clear droplet out of that nipple. And it happened again when I got out of the shower. I'm excited but also concerned, I know colostrum is super important for a newborn, I don't want to leak it all out so soon before the baby gets here. I have an appointment on Tuesday so I'll bring it up, especially if it keeps up or starts to increase.

It seems like I'm just waiting for something to go wrong. I keep having dreams that the baby doesn't survive. It feels like my mind is trying to prepare for what's bound to happen. I don't know how I could even try to be prepared for it now.

This is my last week volunteering at the Bunny Bungalow, at least for a while. It makes me sad, I get very attached to the little guys. The ladies were really nice and chipped in and got us the high chair, finger toothbrush, the changing pad for our pack and play, and diapers off our Babies R Us registry. Pretty sneaky since I didn't tell them we did our registry. But volunteers also go to the Petco in Murrieta which is right next to a Babies R Us. So I guess they just figured we'd done it by now. They also got a cute Good Night Moon stuffed bunny. It was a very sweet gesture. I know Mike would prefer I get a paying job but volunteering there made me feel productive and happy. It's a lot easier for me to stick through something when I have flexibility and even though this was a two evening a week commitment, I was still able to get in touch with someone and arrange for someone to cover for me if I had other plans or wasn't feeling well. I know I can't get away with that with a regular job. We'll see how I feel when the baby's older, but right now I still think I'd like to be one of those moms that helps in the classroom and stuff. I don't know, I just want to hold my squirming breathing baby now.

Almost There

Thu, 05 Apr 2012 07:25:57 +0100

It's the home stretch. Doc says the baby is measuring 4 lbs 5 oz and is currently positioned for a natural birth. I went over my birth plan with her, which felt even more uncomfortable than when I was putting it together. I feel so strange planning for the end of this pregnancy. I'm already registered at the hospital. After my last appointment we went to Babies R Us and made our first registry. There we ran into my brother (my best friend since 7th grade) with his daughter. I know he's smart enough to think of looking up our registry to find out if the baby is a boy or girl just by the things we registered for. There's only three gender specific items that are on our registry. But he's sharp. It's getting harder to keep the gender a secret, at least it feels that way.