I am now past my due date(s). I feel nothing changing down there. Baby Bear is still moving around but there doesn't seem to be any exit strategy. Tomorrow we'll discuss induction at my OB appointment. I'm completely on the fence about it. I know it carries risks and part of me wants to just hurry up and have my baby in my arms but the other part tells me it's better to wait a little longer and enjoy still having the kicks and other movements all to myself before I have to share my baby with ...
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I've been giving it some thought (there's a shock, and no pun intended) but I just realized a greater argument for our calling our baby It. Obviously, there aren't too many other options when you aren't willing to divulge the sex with he or she, but what is the most common phrase on birth announcements?! "It's a boy!" or "It's a girl!" For heaven's sake, the It refers to the baby! So what on earth is the big deal? I hate coming up with these conclusions so much later than the moment they're n...
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I'm so tired of people and their unwelcome comments. I must have more patience than I give myself credit for. What makes people, especially strangers feel that their opinions are welcome. I had to do some shopping at Vons today and the cashier felt the need to ask me when my due date was and I told her that if it were to come tomorrow, it wouldn't be early and if it comes two weeks from now, it wouldn't be late which is what I've taken to telling everyone who asks because it's true. I'm at th...
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The idea hit me yesterday when I was laid up in bed (excruciating back and rib pain): I'm probably going to have to be induced. My body didn't recognize that Robin had died and it needed to let go. Why should we assume it's going to know how or when to release this baby? I had been worried that I wasn't going to recognize the beginning of labor, now I'm thinking that might not be a necessary fear. I'll just have to hang on a couple weeks past the due date until they decide it's time to make t...
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My husband, oldest brother in law, and I went to their aunt and uncle's house for a Wii Dancing night a few nights ago. (My dancing consisted of sitting on the sofa waving the remote around. I was almost the top scorer.) While we were there though. Our seven year old cousin asked me if I could change a diaper while I was holding our eight month old cousin (born only weeks after losing Robin). I told him yes, I knew how to change a diaper. He asked, "Why do you know how to change a diaper if y...

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Mike finally read to one of our babies in the womb. He waited and waited to talk to Robin because he wanted to know whether it was a boy or girl first and then the opportunity was gone. On Christmas he wrapped a book for Baby Bear and I got to unwrap. It was How the Grinch Stole Christmas. Last night he read it to my belly and the dogs on the bed. I used to read to Robin and the dogs would come in and lay on the couch or the bed to listen (and fall asleep). I haven't worked up the nerve to st...
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Once again, I was unable to see my regular OB but I didn't mind this time. The doctor that did see me was one of the three I was under the care of in the hospital for my miscarriage. She is a damn good doctor in our opinion. She handled us well in the hospital and at this appointment she made a good impression again. She didn't try to fake it through the appointment, she told us right at the beginning she obviously wasn't completely familiar with my case and asked us to bring her up to speed ...
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My husband has been "suggesting" that we start telling more people. I know it's hard for him to deal with people at work about it but it's still too soon for me. If I had my way I'd not tell anybody until the baby's crying in my arms. But he thinks that's not a good a idea nor would it be possible. So after my last appoinment, I told him that after the new year we'll start telling a few more people. He has my friends working for him and I'd prefer they not know just yet. I know that makes it ...
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These pains are just something I'm going to have to live with, but I'm A-ok with it. Our baby is a bundle of movement with a very strong heart beat. I got a prescription for my migraines. Hopefully this is works as it's our last defense for them. But at this point I'll suffer through anything. Our anatomy scan is on December 22nd and I'm a bundle of nerves.

My doctor did a sonogram to give me peace of mind and she made a strong guess as to the baby's sex but the machine isn't the best quality...
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Another appointment, another heartbeat. This appointment was a little awkward since it wasn't my doctor. This Asian lady walks in and introduces herself as the practitioner and tells us my doctor is backed up. We talk a little about the pains I've been having (it's either round ligament or constipation) and then she gets out the doppler and picks up the heartbeat which is still going strong. I don't know what to make of it, this is almost where I was the last time, and then at my next appoint...
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For a few days my morning sickness decided to take a vacation. I wound up making myself seek out disgusting smells just so I could trigger a gag reflex to feel a little bit better that I was still pregnant. Today my nausea really beat me up, Mike brought me home donut holes and I told him that I would eat them later. I napped, then had lunch, then went about my day and when I got home there was a shredded bag on the couch. SO UPSET. I cried to the point of making myself throw up. I know it's ...
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Yesterday was Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. Everyone who has been affected by the loss of a baby is to light a candle at 7pm their local time to be a part of a wave of light going across the country. I know some people had a very difficult time yesterday. I didn't. There are more specific days that are painful to me. I felt like I wasn't alone yesterday, even though I technically was home all by myself. But I felt like I wasn't the only one lighting a candle and having a short mo...
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For the past few days, I've been having some cramping and constant lower back pain and once in a while I get a light brown discharge. I didn't tell Mike until last night because I didn't want him to worry. I called the doctor's office this morning and the nurse said that if the symptoms persisted, I should go to the hospital to be monitored. I know it's stupid, but I don't feel like doing that yet. When I first woke up, the pain had actually gone away and I felt fine. Now I have cramping on m...

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Mike kind of pushed my hand in telling people sooner. He's told his parents and so I felt the need to inform mine just to keep peace with them. I've written them a letter (actually a card and two additional notebook pages, front and back.) I typed it out in Word just to get the a feel for what I wanted to say and what I'll be telling others as well. I've posted it below. That is the rough draft of it. I tweaked a few things and added a few things as I was writing it down. I don't know how wel...
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That's the motto we're going with right now.

I had my first OB appointment for this pregnancy yesterday. It's awful sitting in that waiting room and in those exam rooms. I keep thinking that I shouldn't be there. I should be home with my baby. I pass a door and I think, "That's where they found no heartbeat" and "That's where they put us so I could try and pull myself together." Sometimes I think I should have found a different doctor but for some reason I want to give them another chance.

Dr....
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I don't know what happened to me in the past five or so years, but I've become a real girl. But I've not quite grown up. So it's not at all unusual that I DVR'ed The Princess Diaries movies. I actually just finished reading the books, so I wanted to see what artsy liberties Disney had taken with the movies (turns out, more than a lot). But there is a line that struck a chord with me, "Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgement that something is more important than fear."

Tha...
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We got a positive pregnancy test yesterday morning. September 11th, a day I always remember but without negativity. I believe if a nation continues to recall that day with such unhappy thoughts and feelings it will only attract more negativity. Mike's mom had planned a beach barbecue for yesterday and I was hoping to get a positive result so I wouldn't be completely misunderstood. She wanted to celebrate the summer birthdays and Robin's due date was August 10th, the same as my oldest brother ...
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I took a pregnancy test this morning, it was negative. I'm not completely down and out yet, though. I know it's still pretty early to tell, and the HCg levels might not be detectable yet. I was just feeling very antsy, and now I have something to tide me over and demands patience of me. If another one comes out negative, then I'll probably be in a very deep funk. But I won't mire in that puddle of self-pity until I really have a reason to.
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I've never been good at waiting for anything. I open presents early and I don't like arriving somewhere too early to just sit around and wait. But now, this is the worst type of waiting game. To find out if I'm pregnant or not. I went to Borders' closeout sale and there a few interesting pregnancy books that I picked up. I still have all the ones I bought when I was pregnant with Robin, but there were a few that caught my eye like Pregnancy Dos & Don'ts (Elisabeth Aron, M.D.), A Green Guide t...
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I've been taking my vitamins. I just had my prenatal check up and had some blood drawn. My work-up while I was in the hospital showed low Protein S levels. The doctor isn't sure if they were low because of the pregnancy of it's a constant thing, so she ordered a blood test. If it is a constant thing, we'll have to do something about clotting during the next pregnancy. I still want to know why Robin died, even though I know we'll never get an answer. I think I'm always going to feel like I fai...
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