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I am now past my due date(s). I feel nothing changing down there. Baby Bear is still moving around but there doesn't seem to be any exit strategy. Tomorrow we'll discuss induction at my OB appointment. I'm completely on the fence about it. I know it carries risks and part of me wants to just hurry up and have my baby in my arms but the other part tells me it's better to wait a little longer and enjoy still having the kicks and other movements all to myself before I have to share my baby with ...
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Still not dilated past a centimeter and last week I was 75% effaced and this week I'm 50%. Dr. Stone says it's likely we're going to go past the due date and we'll discuss how I feel about induction at next week's appointment. My cervical checks are still so painful! It's ridiculous, it's like my body is literally trying to close itself up. Makes me think an episiotomy is inevitable. So be it. I'm starting to get a little impatient, I really want Baby Bear on the outside, but at the same time...
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I've been giving it some thought (there's a shock, and no pun intended) but I just realized a greater argument for our calling our baby It. Obviously, there aren't too many other options when you aren't willing to divulge the sex with he or she, but what is the most common phrase on birth announcements?! "It's a boy!" or "It's a girl!" For heaven's sake, the It refers to the baby! So what on earth is the big deal? I hate coming up with these conclusions so much later than the moment they're n...
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My appointment on Tuesday brought some exciting news: I'm less than 1cm dilated, but things are going forward! Things are really nearing the end. There's no effacement yet, but the cervix is forward. I got a prescription for Prilosec because my heartburn is literally keeping me awake at night. Three more weeks and we are at term. Mike keeps urging me to pack my bag for the hospital, but truth be told that makes me very nervous. I finally packed the diaper bag for the baby, but I'm still hesit...
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I had my first cervix check today. I never would have thought "use it or lose it" would apply to a girl, but oh my stars was it PAINFUL. I also had the Strep B test and the swab felt like a broomstick going in. I haven't had sex at all this pregnancy so it feels like I just tightened up. It's awful. The cervix is still closed though and I guess still positioned higher up. Baby's not coming too soon. I'm going to start trying massage to see if I can make these appointments less painful. It's g...
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I think my milk is coming in. I was doing a breast exam before my shower and at first I thought maybe my hands were wet from turning on the water, but when I switched to my other side, I got a clear droplet out of that nipple. And it happened again when I got out of the shower. I'm excited but also concerned, I know colostrum is super important for a newborn, I don't want to leak it all out so soon before the baby gets here. I have an appointment on Tuesday so I'll bring it up, especial...
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It's the home stretch. Doc says the baby is measuring 4 lbs 5 oz and is currently positioned for a natural birth. I went over my birth plan with her, which felt even more uncomfortable than when I was putting it together. I feel so strange planning for the end of this pregnancy. I'm already registered at the hospital. After my last appointment we went to Babies R Us and made our first registry. There we ran into my brother (my best friend since 7th grade) with his daughter. I know he's ...
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The 3D images of our baby are amazing. But even better is the graph of his heartbeat, 158 BPM. And it is "his", confirmed we're having a son. My baby is still alive, I now have over 100 pictures of him, and he weighs about 2 lbs 2 oz. I can't fathom it. My pessimistic side says this shouldn't be happening. But it's utterly incredible how far we've come.

The appointment was a little difficult, apparently our baby is just camera shy. The sonographer was able to get a few face shots and verify th...
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Entering the third trimester, I'm even more nervous about being confident that we're having this baby. We went to South Lake Tahoe and on our first night my ankles blew up like balloons. I've never had swelling like that except with a sprain. My husband asked if I wanted to cut the trip short but I said no, I'd just tough it out. It hasn't happened since coming home.

What did happen when we got home was the very day after we'd returned, I got slammed with some kind of stomach bug. I couldn't e...
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I did so much in reorganizing the baby's room yesterday that I'm totally beat. I did more lifting than is probably good and my back is reminding me that I still have a lot more limitations than I'm used to. I've also been on pins and needles waiting for movement inside and it's deep sigh of relief when I feel it. The room is the same layout I wanted for Robin. I hung up the decorations I bought and cleared out some of the boxes we'd been storing in there. The crib mattress arrived today, it's...
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Our Graco Pack and Play arrived today. I missed the UPS truck yesterday while I was volunteering for the rabbit rescue but they redelivered it today and I'm so in love with it. It's the Meadow Menagerie design, neutral tan and dusty teal colors with mushrooms and owls and squirrels. I felt pretty excited after Mike put it together. The cats seem to like hiding underneath of it, I'm just waiting for them to jump in it so I can teach them that's wrong. But who knows, maybe it'll look too strang...
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This year can't be over quick enough. I don't want to deal with any more disappointments of any magnitude. I'm spending New Years Eve alone since Husband has to work, so I'm eating fried green beans and making chicken and dumplings and having a Pirates of the Caribbean marathon. Also, it turns out that even though I still hate apple juice, I can't get enough apple cider. I'm trying the red grape cider but it doesn't make my mouth as happy as the apple. I'm jonesing for more! I can't tell if B...

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Mike finally read to one of our babies in the womb. He waited and waited to talk to Robin because he wanted to know whether it was a boy or girl first and then the opportunity was gone. On Christmas he wrapped a book for Baby Bear and I got to unwrap. It was How the Grinch Stole Christmas. Last night he read it to my belly and the dogs on the bed. I used to read to Robin and the dogs would come in and lay on the couch or the bed to listen (and fall asleep). I haven't worked up the nerve to st...
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Once again, I was unable to see my regular OB but I didn't mind this time. The doctor that did see me was one of the three I was under the care of in the hospital for my miscarriage. She is a damn good doctor in our opinion. She handled us well in the hospital and at this appointment she made a good impression again. She didn't try to fake it through the appointment, she told us right at the beginning she obviously wasn't completely familiar with my case and asked us to bring her up to speed ...
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We had the anatomy scan today. I prepared myself for the absolute worst and felt like throwing up at the end of it. We're 18 weeks and 5 days pregnant. We've made it past the point that Robin had left us. Last week's appointment had Dr. Stone guessing the baby was a girl because of what looked like a "hamburger" but she did say not to run out and buy anything since her equipment is so old and there is a lot of growth between week 17 and week 18. The ultrasound tech at the high risk office tha...
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I started having strange feelings early this morning. Not emotions, but sensations in my abdomen. I was laying on my right side and I had this sensation that felt like stage fright, like a cross between a knot in the stomach and butterflies. But it ranged from my pelvic bone to just below my sternum so it makes me question whether or not I might have been feeling the baby move. I've had it twice more since then but it's been lower in it's location. I never got to feel Robin move so I still do...
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My husband has been "suggesting" that we start telling more people. I know it's hard for him to deal with people at work about it but it's still too soon for me. If I had my way I'd not tell anybody until the baby's crying in my arms. But he thinks that's not a good a idea nor would it be possible. So after my last appoinment, I told him that after the new year we'll start telling a few more people. He has my friends working for him and I'd prefer they not know just yet. I know that makes it ...
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These pains are just something I'm going to have to live with, but I'm A-ok with it. Our baby is a bundle of movement with a very strong heart beat. I got a prescription for my migraines. Hopefully this is works as it's our last defense for them. But at this point I'll suffer through anything. Our anatomy scan is on December 22nd and I'm a bundle of nerves.

My doctor did a sonogram to give me peace of mind and she made a strong guess as to the baby's sex but the machine isn't the best quality...
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Just a quick update, I made an appointment for the 14th to go to the doctor to discuss my aches and pains. More than anything I just want to hear that heart beat. If I can hear that heart beat, it'll be easier to wait for the next sonogram on the 22nd. If I had to go two more weeks just floating along I think I'd become overly emotional and not know how to release it. At least now, I know I can actually see my doctor to discuss my intense concerns right now (and if they try to make me see the...
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At that critical point now. This is about the time Robin died so I'm on pins and needles and just about anything can send me into an anxiety attack or bursting into tears. I'm still having sharp jabs of pain that I'm hoping is only round ligament pain. Still, I'm going to call the doctor and set up an appointment to hear the heart beat and get a recommendation of what to do for the pain. I don't see a doctor until the 22nd, and that will be at the other office that does the ultrasounds for th...
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Another appointment, another heartbeat. This appointment was a little awkward since it wasn't my doctor. This Asian lady walks in and introduces herself as the practitioner and tells us my doctor is backed up. We talk a little about the pains I've been having (it's either round ligament or constipation) and then she gets out the doppler and picks up the heartbeat which is still going strong. I don't know what to make of it, this is almost where I was the last time, and then at my next appoint...
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I got new bands on my top braces and the wire was changed to a 14, whatever that means. I still don't have the bottom ones on. I thought they were going to do that today, but apparently that will be done at my next appointment at the end of December. It feels like I took a softball to the teeth. But I have noticed a change in my tooth alignment so I'm guessing it's going to be worth it in the end.

I got more blood drawn today as part of the NT screening. I go for the ultrasound tomorrow. I do...
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Towards the end of October, my pelvic floor muscles suddenly lost control and I felt leaking. My doctor saw me and ran some tests and it was chalked up to a change in discharge. And the leaking feeling has since gone away. I was glad to get in there before my appointment on the first. The long wait in between appointments is really stressful. My appointment on the first also brought a little bit of joy, we got to hear the heartbeat for the first time. This baby is a mover and a shaker, a lot ...

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My appointment on the 4th didn't bring the disappointment I had set myself up for. There's some growth and the beautiful flicker of a tiny heartbeat. I've never felt such relief. It didn't last long though. My next appointment isn't until November 1st and I'm already on pins and needles. It feels like an eternity until then. I just need to keep making it to the next appointment. And then the appointment after that.

A friend came over to drop off her dog for us to watch while she goes to Vegas...
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For the past few days, I've been having some cramping and constant lower back pain and once in a while I get a light brown discharge. I didn't tell Mike until last night because I didn't want him to worry. I called the doctor's office this morning and the nurse said that if the symptoms persisted, I should go to the hospital to be monitored. I know it's stupid, but I don't feel like doing that yet. When I first woke up, the pain had actually gone away and I felt fine. Now I have cramping on m...

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Mike kind of pushed my hand in telling people sooner. He's told his parents and so I felt the need to inform mine just to keep peace with them. I've written them a letter (actually a card and two additional notebook pages, front and back.) I typed it out in Word just to get the a feel for what I wanted to say and what I'll be telling others as well. I've posted it below. That is the rough draft of it. I tweaked a few things and added a few things as I was writing it down. I don't know how wel...
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That's the motto we're going with right now.

I had my first OB appointment for this pregnancy yesterday. It's awful sitting in that waiting room and in those exam rooms. I keep thinking that I shouldn't be there. I should be home with my baby. I pass a door and I think, "That's where they found no heartbeat" and "That's where they put us so I could try and pull myself together." Sometimes I think I should have found a different doctor but for some reason I want to give them another chance.

Dr....
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I don't know what happened to me in the past five or so years, but I've become a real girl. But I've not quite grown up. So it's not at all unusual that I DVR'ed The Princess Diaries movies. I actually just finished reading the books, so I wanted to see what artsy liberties Disney had taken with the movies (turns out, more than a lot). But there is a line that struck a chord with me, "Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgement that something is more important than fear."

Tha...
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We got a positive pregnancy test yesterday morning. September 11th, a day I always remember but without negativity. I believe if a nation continues to recall that day with such unhappy thoughts and feelings it will only attract more negativity. Mike's mom had planned a beach barbecue for yesterday and I was hoping to get a positive result so I wouldn't be completely misunderstood. She wanted to celebrate the summer birthdays and Robin's due date was August 10th, the same as my oldest brother ...
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I got the spacers for my braces in yesterday. And of course, before bed I floss and pop one out so I had to go back today. I feel like there's giant pieces of steak stuck between my teeth and it's crowding my already cramped my mouth. It hurts so much I think I'm beyond the point of tears. They kept telling my ibuprofen will be my best friend. But all I can take is Tylenol. Mike asked me if I'd be mad if it turned out I wasn't pregnant and was staying away from painkillers needlessly. I told ...
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I took a pregnancy test this morning, it was negative. I'm not completely down and out yet, though. I know it's still pretty early to tell, and the HCg levels might not be detectable yet. I was just feeling very antsy, and now I have something to tide me over and demands patience of me. If another one comes out negative, then I'll probably be in a very deep funk. But I won't mire in that puddle of self-pity until I really have a reason to.
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I've never been good at waiting for anything. I open presents early and I don't like arriving somewhere too early to just sit around and wait. But now, this is the worst type of waiting game. To find out if I'm pregnant or not. I went to Borders' closeout sale and there a few interesting pregnancy books that I picked up. I still have all the ones I bought when I was pregnant with Robin, but there were a few that caught my eye like Pregnancy Dos & Don'ts (Elisabeth Aron, M.D.), A Green Guide t...
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The fertility stick finally showed two double lines this morning. We've been "practicing" just in case I might have read something incorrectly. But I think this one is correct. Not to be too graphic but the coinciding discharge matches what the stick says. I'm pretty sure I've entered the fertile days before ovulation. Now I'm really feeling iffy. What if all the "practice" actually did more harm than good. Like his swimmers have been flowing too freely so they aren't as strong. Or what if I'...
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Tomorrow I start peeing on sticks. I've never used an ovulation kit before. I've also started taking my temperature in the mornings, but I think I started doing that a little too late to really figure out my average.

I did a fertility ritual, I'm through with prayer although I know there's some that would argue that there isn't much difference. I feel that there is. Prayer feels like begging and I will not do that. I will not beg a god that took away the greatest gift I've received. I spent s...
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