Towards the end of October, my pelvic floor muscles suddenly lost control and I felt leaking. My doctor saw me and ran some tests and it was chalked up to a change in discharge. And the leaking feeling has since gone away. I was glad to get in there before my appointment on the first. The long wait in between appointments is really stressful. My appointment on the first also brought a little bit of joy, we got to hear the heartbeat for the first time. This baby is a mover and a shaker, a lot more active than Robin but I'm not reading too much into that. I have an appointment for the NT screening on the tenth; that office has a better sonogram machine so I'm just hoping to keep seeing movement. I also need to get blood drawn again, an ordeal I do not relish. Just because I have tattoos does not mean I am a fan of needles. I was so glad the appointment on the first didn't bring disappointment. I'd been afraid it would since Mike and I had planned to go to Disneyland for dinner to celebrate our two year anniversary afterwards and there was no way I would have wanted to go if the news had been bad. I don't know how I could react on our following anniversaries if I lost another baby on a day that's supposed to be so special to us.

I did jinx myself though. The doctor asked how my morning sickness had been, and I said I still had nausea but was keeping everything down. Then when we got home, I threw up everything from our lovely anniversary buffet dinner. It was awful.

I also finally decided I was ready to meet our newest cousin, Benjamin. He arrived shortly after Robin died and when I first saw his picture, I hated myself because I had never hated a baby so much. I knew it was wrong, and this little boy had nothing to do with my loss but I had very dark feelings toward him and I knew I had to deal with those before seeing him and his family. Now having visited with them and feeling like a family again, I know I did the right thing. I can now appreciate him for the serious but smiling buddha baby he is. There's no connection between him and Robin anymore, not unless I force myself to actively think about how close they would have been in age. He is just another cousin to shower with love and share my young indulgences with, just another one to share my joy of the Disney channel. Our aunt and uncle have been so supportive and understanding of our situation. They have very different spiritual beliefs than us, but it does not affect they're generous nature and desire to help us in any way they can. And that's really all I wanted from the people I sent letters too. Just be happy for us when the time calls for it, and know that our sadness will always be a part of us now.