For the past few days, I've been having some cramping and constant lower back pain and once in a while I get a light brown discharge. I didn't tell Mike until last night because I didn't want him to worry. I called the doctor's office this morning and the nurse said that if the symptoms persisted, I should go to the hospital to be monitored. I know it's stupid, but I don't feel like doing that yet. When I first woke up, the pain had actually gone away and I felt fine. Now I have cramping on my right side. When I went back to bed I had a really vivid dream that I had another miscarriage. I was hysterical. I've kind of resigned myself to just waiting for any blood to show or when we go to my appointment on Tuesday that the doctor will tell me it wasnt' a viable pregnancy. I really don't think I can handle losing another baby. It's probably ridiculous not going to the hospital but I had wanted to see my doctor and they didn't even give me that option. Whether we have this baby or not, at the end of it all, I think I'm going to find another office. I like my doctor, but even just sitting in the waiting room worsens my depression. I think I need a fresh start. But I need to stop focusing on the future and focus on the now because I don't know how long it's going to last. A few days ago I had the terrible thought that I didn't want this baby. I want Robin. But I then berated myself with how selfish that is, I've got another chance and I need to appreciate it. I just don't know if it's going to be taken away from me and that scares the living hell out of me.