I'm planning to start using an ovulation kit the day after tomorrow. I'm nervous as hell. I want it to be easy, but at the same time I'm freaking out about how I will handle being pregnant again. And then how will I feel if we don't get pregnant again right away? It's very confusing. I can feel a twinge of excitement that I'm keeping in check. I don't want to get my hopes up and fall deeper when the pregnancy test comes back negative.

I keep recalling this little boy that talked to Mike and I in Dollar Tree. We were looking for toys for Tsunami (our pitbull), and he started talking to us saying that he didn't really like dogs, he liked cats better. I told him that we had cats too, and they get along with our dogs. He asked if we had kids and I told him no. He asked why not and I don't quite remember what I said in response. I think it was something like it just hasn't happened for us yet, but we do want kids. Then he asked us why don't we adopt. I was floored. I stammered that that was definitely an option for us. Then he left us alone. Kids amaze me with how frank they can be, and how wise. It was so simple for him, if the baby isn't coming to you, why not go to the baby. And it makes me wonder, why do so many of us "TTC after a loss" put ourselves through the torment? Are we trying to prove something, to ourselves and to the world? If it didn't work out, why not go the "simpler" route and bring a child into our home that is already born?

I'm torn. When/IF I get pregnant again, I want to do everything completely differently. As if I can remove whatever deadly combination I had going on and prevent another loss. And at the same time, I wish I could do everything the same, to prove that it wasn't my fault. That second one isn't going to win though, because I'm absolutely terrified of "killing another baby." Sure, it's so easy for everyone (the doc included) to say "It wasn't your fault." But really, how do they know? There was no autopsy and the numbers were normal. How do I know that that one day of excessive gardening didn't cause a cord accident? Or that my struggle to eat healthy on a regular schedule didn't starve my baby? Those are a couple of the millions of things I dwell on. And my motivation to completely revamp what I'll be doing. Because even though that little boy was right, now I do have something to prove, at least to myself. But I am very open to his suggestion, should that be the way my life goes.