We got a positive pregnancy test yesterday morning. September 11th, a day I always remember but without negativity. I believe if a nation continues to recall that day with such unhappy thoughts and feelings it will only attract more negativity. Mike's mom had planned a beach barbecue for yesterday and I was hoping to get a positive result so I wouldn't be completely misunderstood. She wanted to celebrate the summer birthdays and Robin's due date was August 10th, the same as my oldest brother in law. I won't ever begrudge him the celebration of another successful year, but I was not in the mood to celebrate with a summer birthday lost. I know I was quieter than usual, but I think I was able to make it through a lot better knowing what's changed.

I woke up Mike to tell him around 7 am (actually our dog Jose woke him up by farting in his face and I was laughing and telling him that was disgusting.) I took a second test to confirm it. It just makes me more comfortable to do that. I feel like I'm in disbelief, like how could it happen again so quickly? I do know that sometimes it takes a very long time for someone who's had a loss to conceive again. I kind of feel like I didn't deserve for it to happen this easily, but then I rush to put those thoughts out of my head. We do deserve this, and I put a lot into getting us to this point.

I'm absolutely terrified of what the future is going to bring, but not so terrified that I would stop going forward. I have an OB appointment with Dr. Stone next Tuesday. I'm so afraid that she's going to tell me there's no heart beat again, or that the cramping I've been feeling means there's something wrong. I don't know how I could handle losing another baby. I'm already thinking of this tiny being as our baby, I have to. I thought I was going to be afraid of getting attached but I want this baby to be so loved no matter how long its life is.