I don't know what happened to me in the past five or so years, but I've become a real girl. But I've not quite grown up. So it's not at all unusual that I DVR'ed The Princess Diaries movies. I actually just finished reading the books, so I wanted to see what artsy liberties Disney had taken with the movies (turns out, more than a lot). But there is a line that struck a chord with me, "Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgement that something is more important than fear."

That is what I really need right now. I need to have courage. I am absolutely terrified of losing another baby. I've been having significant cramping and lower back pains and it scares the hell out of me. I've been trying to tell myself that I had these pains in the beginning the last time too and it was just my body changing. But now every twinge feels like it could be the end of the world. I feel like if we make it that far, the next 3/4 of a year will be filled with fear. But my desire to bring a child of our own into this world is far greater than the fear of losing another one. Months after Robin died, I found a poem and printed it out and hung it above the empty crib in our second bedroom. It's called "A Different Child" by Pandora Diane Waldron.

A different child,
People notice
There's a special glow around you,
You grow
Surrounded by love,
Never doubting you are wanted;
Only look at the pride and joy
In your mother and father's eyes.

And if sometimes
Between the smiles
There's a trace of tears,
One day
You'll understand.
You'll understand
There was once a different child
Who was in their hopes and dreams.
That child will never outgrow the baby clothes
That child will never keep them up at night

In fact, that child will never be of any trouble at all
Except sometimes, in a silent moment,
When mother and father miss so much
That different child.
May hope and love wrap you warmly
And may you learn the lesson forever
How infinitely precious
How infinitely fragile
Is this life on Earth.
One day, as a young man or woman
You may see another mother's tears
Another father's silent grief
Then you, and you alone
Will understand
And offer the greatest comfort.
When all hope seems lost,
You will tell them
With great compassion,
"I know how you feel.
I am only here
Because my mother tried again."

Our child will know about their sister. My husband and I agreed to that before we even tried to conceive again. I was thinking in the shower (I do a lot of my best thinking in there, shower time is "me" time, to be uninterrupted privacy) and I realized that had Robin not exited our lives when she had, this child would not exist. I mean, my personal beliefs are that this child's spirit and higher self would of course exist, but the vessel that it is now occupying would not. I'm having a very hard time chewing that over. It just adds another unanswerable question to the WHY jar. I really don't want this baby to leave us too. What's the reason we couldn't have kept Robin in our lives? What is the universe's purpose in giving us this other child?

I also just realized that exactly a month before getting this positive pregnancy test, I started this blog. I believe in coincidences and I believe in fate. I believe that keeping up with this blog has helped me start this journey. It helps me get what's rolling around in my head out into a somewhat logical format. If not logical, at least in a way that I can look back and analyze what it is I'm trying to get out and whether I was successful or not. There's still so far to go on this journey and I know I will be afraid every step of the way, but I'll have these past entries to look back at and know I've at least gone this far with the greatest purpose in mind.