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I am now past my due date(s). I feel nothing changing down there. Baby Bear is still moving around but there doesn't seem to be any exit strategy. Tomorrow we'll discuss induction at my OB appointment. I'm completely on the fence about it. I know it carries risks and part of me wants to just hurry up and have my baby in my arms but the other part tells me it's better to wait a little longer and enjoy still having the kicks and other movements all to myself before I have to share my baby with ...
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Still not dilated past a centimeter and last week I was 75% effaced and this week I'm 50%. Dr. Stone says it's likely we're going to go past the due date and we'll discuss how I feel about induction at next week's appointment. My cervical checks are still so painful! It's ridiculous, it's like my body is literally trying to close itself up. Makes me think an episiotomy is inevitable. So be it. I'm starting to get a little impatient, I really want Baby Bear on the outside, but at the same time...
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The idea hit me yesterday when I was laid up in bed (excruciating back and rib pain): I'm probably going to have to be induced. My body didn't recognize that Robin had died and it needed to let go. Why should we assume it's going to know how or when to release this baby? I had been worried that I wasn't going to recognize the beginning of labor, now I'm thinking that might not be a necessary fear. I'll just have to hang on a couple weeks past the due date until they decide it's time to make t...
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I think my milk is coming in. I was doing a breast exam before my shower and at first I thought maybe my hands were wet from turning on the water, but when I switched to my other side, I got a clear droplet out of that nipple. And it happened again when I got out of the shower. I'm excited but also concerned, I know colostrum is super important for a newborn, I don't want to leak it all out so soon before the baby gets here. I have an appointment on Tuesday so I'll bring it up, especial...
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It's the home stretch. Doc says the baby is measuring 4 lbs 5 oz and is currently positioned for a natural birth. I went over my birth plan with her, which felt even more uncomfortable than when I was putting it together. I feel so strange planning for the end of this pregnancy. I'm already registered at the hospital. After my last appointment we went to Babies R Us and made our first registry. There we ran into my brother (my best friend since 7th grade) with his daughter. I know he's ...
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The 3D images of our baby are amazing. But even better is the graph of his heartbeat, 158 BPM. And it is "his", confirmed we're having a son. My baby is still alive, I now have over 100 pictures of him, and he weighs about 2 lbs 2 oz. I can't fathom it. My pessimistic side says this shouldn't be happening. But it's utterly incredible how far we've come.

The appointment was a little difficult, apparently our baby is just camera shy. The sonographer was able to get a few face shots and verify th...
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Entering the third trimester, I'm even more nervous about being confident that we're having this baby. We went to South Lake Tahoe and on our first night my ankles blew up like balloons. I've never had swelling like that except with a sprain. My husband asked if I wanted to cut the trip short but I said no, I'd just tough it out. It hasn't happened since coming home.

What did happen when we got home was the very day after we'd returned, I got slammed with some kind of stomach bug. I couldn't e...
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I did so much in reorganizing the baby's room yesterday that I'm totally beat. I did more lifting than is probably good and my back is reminding me that I still have a lot more limitations than I'm used to. I've also been on pins and needles waiting for movement inside and it's deep sigh of relief when I feel it. The room is the same layout I wanted for Robin. I hung up the decorations I bought and cleared out some of the boxes we'd been storing in there. The crib mattress arrived today, it's...
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Our Graco Pack and Play arrived today. I missed the UPS truck yesterday while I was volunteering for the rabbit rescue but they redelivered it today and I'm so in love with it. It's the Meadow Menagerie design, neutral tan and dusty teal colors with mushrooms and owls and squirrels. I felt pretty excited after Mike put it together. The cats seem to like hiding underneath of it, I'm just waiting for them to jump in it so I can teach them that's wrong. But who knows, maybe it'll look too strang...
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This year can't be over quick enough. I don't want to deal with any more disappointments of any magnitude. I'm spending New Years Eve alone since Husband has to work, so I'm eating fried green beans and making chicken and dumplings and having a Pirates of the Caribbean marathon. Also, it turns out that even though I still hate apple juice, I can't get enough apple cider. I'm trying the red grape cider but it doesn't make my mouth as happy as the apple. I'm jonesing for more! I can't tell if B...

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My husband, oldest brother in law, and I went to their aunt and uncle's house for a Wii Dancing night a few nights ago. (My dancing consisted of sitting on the sofa waving the remote around. I was almost the top scorer.) While we were there though. Our seven year old cousin asked me if I could change a diaper while I was holding our eight month old cousin (born only weeks after losing Robin). I told him yes, I knew how to change a diaper. He asked, "Why do you know how to change a diaper if y...

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Mike finally read to one of our babies in the womb. He waited and waited to talk to Robin because he wanted to know whether it was a boy or girl first and then the opportunity was gone. On Christmas he wrapped a book for Baby Bear and I got to unwrap. It was How the Grinch Stole Christmas. Last night he read it to my belly and the dogs on the bed. I used to read to Robin and the dogs would come in and lay on the couch or the bed to listen (and fall asleep). I haven't worked up the nerve to st...
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I started having strange feelings early this morning. Not emotions, but sensations in my abdomen. I was laying on my right side and I had this sensation that felt like stage fright, like a cross between a knot in the stomach and butterflies. But it ranged from my pelvic bone to just below my sternum so it makes me question whether or not I might have been feeling the baby move. I've had it twice more since then but it's been lower in it's location. I never got to feel Robin move so I still do...
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These pains are just something I'm going to have to live with, but I'm A-ok with it. Our baby is a bundle of movement with a very strong heart beat. I got a prescription for my migraines. Hopefully this is works as it's our last defense for them. But at this point I'll suffer through anything. Our anatomy scan is on December 22nd and I'm a bundle of nerves.

My doctor did a sonogram to give me peace of mind and she made a strong guess as to the baby's sex but the machine isn't the best quality...
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Just a quick update, I made an appointment for the 14th to go to the doctor to discuss my aches and pains. More than anything I just want to hear that heart beat. If I can hear that heart beat, it'll be easier to wait for the next sonogram on the 22nd. If I had to go two more weeks just floating along I think I'd become overly emotional and not know how to release it. At least now, I know I can actually see my doctor to discuss my intense concerns right now (and if they try to make me see the...
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At that critical point now. This is about the time Robin died so I'm on pins and needles and just about anything can send me into an anxiety attack or bursting into tears. I'm still having sharp jabs of pain that I'm hoping is only round ligament pain. Still, I'm going to call the doctor and set up an appointment to hear the heart beat and get a recommendation of what to do for the pain. I don't see a doctor until the 22nd, and that will be at the other office that does the ultrasounds for th...
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For a few days my morning sickness decided to take a vacation. I wound up making myself seek out disgusting smells just so I could trigger a gag reflex to feel a little bit better that I was still pregnant. Today my nausea really beat me up, Mike brought me home donut holes and I told him that I would eat them later. I napped, then had lunch, then went about my day and when I got home there was a shredded bag on the couch. SO UPSET. I cried to the point of making myself throw up. I know it's ...
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Towards the end of October, my pelvic floor muscles suddenly lost control and I felt leaking. My doctor saw me and ran some tests and it was chalked up to a change in discharge. And the leaking feeling has since gone away. I was glad to get in there before my appointment on the first. The long wait in between appointments is really stressful. My appointment on the first also brought a little bit of joy, we got to hear the heartbeat for the first time. This baby is a mover and a shaker, a lot ...

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My appointment on the 4th didn't bring the disappointment I had set myself up for. There's some growth and the beautiful flicker of a tiny heartbeat. I've never felt such relief. It didn't last long though. My next appointment isn't until November 1st and I'm already on pins and needles. It feels like an eternity until then. I just need to keep making it to the next appointment. And then the appointment after that.

A friend came over to drop off her dog for us to watch while she goes to Vegas...
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For the past few days, I've been having some cramping and constant lower back pain and once in a while I get a light brown discharge. I didn't tell Mike until last night because I didn't want him to worry. I called the doctor's office this morning and the nurse said that if the symptoms persisted, I should go to the hospital to be monitored. I know it's stupid, but I don't feel like doing that yet. When I first woke up, the pain had actually gone away and I felt fine. Now I have cramping on m...

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Mike kind of pushed my hand in telling people sooner. He's told his parents and so I felt the need to inform mine just to keep peace with them. I've written them a letter (actually a card and two additional notebook pages, front and back.) I typed it out in Word just to get the a feel for what I wanted to say and what I'll be telling others as well. I've posted it below. That is the rough draft of it. I tweaked a few things and added a few things as I was writing it down. I don't know how wel...
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We got a positive pregnancy test yesterday morning. September 11th, a day I always remember but without negativity. I believe if a nation continues to recall that day with such unhappy thoughts and feelings it will only attract more negativity. Mike's mom had planned a beach barbecue for yesterday and I was hoping to get a positive result so I wouldn't be completely misunderstood. She wanted to celebrate the summer birthdays and Robin's due date was August 10th, the same as my oldest brother ...
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